December--Climbing Out of the Shoe Box!

Already? I can't believe it! Didn't I just post that photo of the MadHatter? What has happened? Here we are on the precipice of Christmas looking into a new year with all the wonder an awe we had at this time last year! Time to evaluate, assess, look forward to another new beginning.  So I am sitting here looking at my shoe closet for "inspiration" wondering what my future holds...and I have decided...some of these dudes have to leave. I haven't worn some of them the entire year, and while they are still nice, I doubt seriously I will wear them next year.

I am sure someone will love them though. I counted 10 pairs, that I most likely will never wear. I counted 2 brand new that i haven't worn because, well, I haven't been anywhere I could wear them. Will I be going anywhere I can wear them? Not if my life stays as it is right now...OK I see it, time for some changes. Either gonna have to make plans to go somewhere I can wear them, or let go of them too. They just sit there as a reminder to me, that I really don't get out enough. To get all dressed up and go where?  I suppose what I need to do is join a charitable organization and participate in Gala events, so I can actually use these things, or donate them to the organization.

This brings me to the question: Why do I have this overwhelming urge to buy these beautiful dresses, shoes, etc when I have nowhere to go in them?  I know this sounds foolish, but really, it tells me that there is something inside me wanting to feel beautiful, go out and have some fun...and come home with aching feet! I am left with this question hanging over my head, like a thought bubble, "Who have you become?"...YIKES!! I don't want to examine questions like that. They scare me. Where the heck are my Blue Suede Shoes and how can I get them back on? Or, do i need the red boots? How easy it is to slip back into the mundane, the routine the survival mode. How easy it is to allow yourself to stop living, to try to find some counterfeit form of "peace". So there it is, my goal, for 2011: Find my way out of this pit, get rid of shoes that have no pizzazz, step out in those pretty ones I never wear,(figuratively speaking) and go find something meaningful to do with my life. Like Film School in Hollywood. Create some beauty, tell some meaningful stories, get out of this shoebox.  I wonder if they are ready for me?

Junky Day Pre-halloween....Added photos....of costumes

Whoaaaaa, It's Been Awhile...

So...I have been extremely busy. Life is never dull around here, there is always something happening..if it is not, somehow I create something, not always good, I am afraid.  I have changed shoes a lot since my last post. Not only shoes, but clothes, hair, hats, wigs, personalities, etc...
I jumped into a an Indie film project being filmed here, and have had the time of my life. What a great cast. I played several roles, and was able to wear all the shoes I never wear..black high heels, cowboy boots, red pumps, and YES! My new Blue Suede Shoes!! I will post pictures soon, from the "behind the scenes" photos. The film is comedy, so bear that in mind. Here is the great thing: NOBODY stepped on them!
If they did, I pulled out red ones, and you know what happened next!!
I did this film on a "fluke", just a "why not" moment. You never know what is out there unless you dive in. I dove in. I got plunged, and soaked, and I had fun. It was great! I am just sad it is soon coming to an end, though I think some of the friendships I made will last. It can be a very bonding experience like getting stuck in an elevator. You are thrown in with people you most likely would have never met and you are forced to interact and relate on sometimes deep levels, to portray what is being asked. My life will never be the same. I had thought the day I went to audition, that I should walk a mile in someones else's shoes, and acting was a way to do that kind of thing. I walked in 7 pairs of shoes, belonging to 1 person with 6 personalities. Just learning what Schizophrenics/Multiple Personality Disorder people go through was pretty enlightening. While this piece is comedy, there is in no way any jeers toward the disorders, just the comedic things that can happen. I will keep you posted when the trailers come out! And no matter how korny it is, or cheesy, you are STILL not allowed to step on my Blue Suede Shoes! I am at least pursuing my dreams!! Somethin' to be said for that!

These New Shoes

I always love a new pair of shoes, no matter what color. I stepped out in some today, wood heels, cool brown leather criss-cross straps, pretty tall heels...you know, just putting on a pair of heels makes you feel "dressed" right?  Right. Until the pain sets in. Now, I am an experienced high heel walker and can negotiate some interesting terrains in most of them. However, sometimes you just get a bad angle on your arch. This can be not-so-cool. You look cool, polished and put together, but if you can't walk correctly, why bother? I would rather look not-so-fabulous and "float" across the room (as a customer once said about my daughter when she was waiting tables) in flats, than to look like a storm trooper coming in for a raid in gorgeous high heels I can't walk in. I am sure you have seen it. Expensive clothing, fabulous shoes, "Clonk-clonk-clonk...." it is usually accompanied by poor posture. I have seen some of the most beautiful women guilty of this. I suppose that was why they used to send girls to "finishing school"...Where are the wise women who teach these thing to us now? Where are the Heloise's, the Mrs. Manners'? So today, in spite of my sharp dressing, in my new shoes, I pulled out my flip-flops and floated, bearing in mind that the proper carriage of one's self shows more class than expensive clothing/shoes. It is not the garment, but the woman inside the garment, and how she uses what she has to accent her best features, along with how she conducts her self in public that has bearing on her character.
How to do this? Hmmmmm.I think it is important to follow your heart in all things. If today, your heart is very drawn to those comfy sweats and flip flops, do it...just do it with passion! BTW...do you have your "crazy" shoes yet? I would love to see them!! Send me photos, and your story.

Undignified Musings

I am amazed at how the human mind operates. Especially mine...I wonder at how I can make myself think what I want or need to think at the time, at how I can push out what I need to push out, bring in what I need to bring in, etc...I wonder at how I react instead of responding, the preferred method. I am becoming more and more amazed at the complexity of the human brain. All those psychology terms:
denial, transference, delusions, fantasy, boundaries-the one I hear all the time, self-care, self-abasement, control, etc, etc, etc...

The Blue Suede Shoes are an interesting expression of where I am in this journey to being real. I think now it is time to search out some really crazy ones, obnoxious maybe? For the time being though, I may pull out the red cowboy boots, just 'cuz. Cuz my sista bought 'em for me the last time I went through a "passage" like this. They too, are symbolic...I think today though, I grieve. I grieve over all the delusions I have lived by. I grieve over losing ground by not being real to myself, to God, to you. "You" meaning anyone I know. Yes, it is strange, and hard to mid-life publicly, but if Brittany can shave her head, Tom Cruise can jump on chairs on Today Show, if Mel Gibson can flip out publicly, and so on, why can't the rest of us just go for it? Aw heck, there is no dignity in that is there? Dignity...That is what will keep you OUT of your Blue Suede Shoes, or your Red Cowboy Boots, or your Yellow Galoshes!!

Dignity....dignity....I prefer to be undignified. But is is risky. I prefer to be passionate, but it is often misunderstood. I prefer to just go for it, but I often fall flat on my face...like now. Prostrate. Making sand angels again! In my Boots no less. Undignified. Real. Humble. Real. Grieving even my dignity..but still Real. I think that Real is something God can work with. Delusional, well, it just keeps us in our own prison. I prefer Blue Suede Shoes, or Red Cowboy Boots, or Yellow Galoshes in the sun to prison...how about you?

How I See It

"Summer: Times of Refreshment"

 

Amazing how an upcoming reunion can pull on that old high school urge of feeling like you are "missing something" I decided not to go, for many reasons, some of them silly, some of them perfectly rational, some of them just make you say what? I think it is the vast culvert between who I was trying to be and who I have become. It is a conflict between how I was perceived and who I really was, that I chose to hide in shame. It is the conflict between others' expectations of me , and  a bit of my own disappointments in myself. No regrets? I keep trying to adopt this, I want to embrace it, but for me it is not truth, and that is okay.  Better to live in truth, than to embrace a great idea that is not a good fit for me...isn't that how we end up regretting?  Don't get me wrong, I have much to be thankful for, I have been blessed beyond measure with deep friendship (a precious few) great children, who have potential to do anything their hearts desire, they have great big huge hearts, and generous souls, and they all live passionately. I have a husband who loves me. 
The regret lies here: I never trusted people enough to be real. There are people who don't know that I love to sing and dance. There are people who don't know I love the act and play characters, most of my high school friends (most of whom I don't keep in touch with) don't know I am an artist. Most don't know me at all. That was my choice to be a chameleon; to change my colors; to blend...to "fit in", and to act like I was supposed to... What is so ironic about this is that I never did "fit."  One day, I realized it. The truth. You never find a "place" when you aren't being honest with yourself. There is never a place for living a lie that will feel comfortable. The problem with this is that truth often alludes us; hides us behind masks of our own making. We craft them so well that we begin to believe them ourselves...then, they don't fit and we make a new one, or add more "stuff" to the one we have, or repaint it, but we are still wearing a mask. This brings me to my point; Isn't it easier to just be real? Go ahead and pull that mask off and buy those Blue Suede Shoes, or that yellow hat or those crazy glasses...Do It! Heck-Buy a stinking rolling pin if that is what you want!! I once bought Purple Suede Boots, which I eventually fractured my hip in...ha ha...But I GOT THEM!  Celebrate YOU...and be sure to comment, I want to know YOU, because YOU are worth knowing!

~Me and my Blue Suede Shoes

On Image

The never ending image pressure can just weigh you down, so I tossed aside only to see that maybe SOME of it is good. When you let it all "hang out" some of the stuff you should have kept in gets "stepped on" and not necessarily on your Blue Suede shoes...maybe on your more practical Brown shoes. Worse yet, your nicest high heels.  You know, you put on your heels, and go to "strut your stuff" and next thing you know, you slipped on a lemon someone dropped on the floor? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. I have fallen down in my high heels more than once, just when I was thinking I was lookin' pretty good...that is an image workshop in itself!
The first humiliating experience in shoes, was in High School, of course..just missed my big reunion, so this is fresh stuff..New outfit, new high heels, feeling pretty snazzy, walking right by the field house, the pressure is on, football practice is just starting...gotta keep the image up (really? did I have one?) my heel catches a rock on a slope, and that is all she wrote, down I go, new outfit, and all...a charming look, believe me. Charming. And that is what I will leave you with...just when you think you have kinda got it together, something will invariably happen to "bring you down"...so whatever you do; remember that it can happen to anybody. That is why you don't step on MY Blue Suede Shoes! Yours are just as vulnerable!!
Now my red cowboy boots, the ones my sister got for me, they are another story, Like I have heard it said, "Some boots are made for walkin', mine are made for kickin' ass." If I pull those out, watch out! Hoe-down time! 

No "Hunting"

This is a short post to say, no hunting in vintage places this weekend. We were school shopping, since it starts August 5. Soaking up the last joys of summer, and getting things in order for school. I hate this, because i miss her so much while she is there, but she loves it, and she should. She is a good student.
Her shoes of choice this week were Converse, black and white classics...she looks down at her feet and smiles and squeals "Converse!" intermittently throughout the day...not that she doesn't have other colors, but something very exciting about Black and White...?

The only insights I gained this weekend were that I still love clothing and shoes way too much, I still always want the most expensive things available, and I still can only buy them in small spurts. But I bet I appreciate quality more than the mass who can buy whatever they want. I love good fabric and construction, and I love detail. This  has a price tag, but I don't mind paying it if it is good. It does bother me to go to certain overly perfumed stores, that make cookie cutter clothes to clone our youth, along with hefty price tags for things I could whip up in 15 min. C'mon, why not hire some real talent?  Ironically,  I find that Target T's and tank tops are just as good or better quality than the name brand stores. I am just saying, I have had less shrinkage, and fading on those two items. I won't give them a mass endorsement though, I love certain things and am shocked they could contract such good items at a discount store, but I likewise wonder why they even bother with other stuff. I had to learn all about Target, Old Navy and Goodwill, while in Montana. That is basically all we had. (Not even a Gap, AE, or Banana Republic within 2 hrs-I don't take the passes as fast as you natives) They did have a wonderful store there, Dragonfly Dry Goods, but I would always get that feeling of "I want it all!" and end up with nothing. Decision, decisions, decisions.
Ho-hum...another day of shopping..now we are all finished. Hope you are ready as well, and be sure to be practical yet fun in your shoe choices, whether they be Blue Suede, or Black Canvas, or Brown suede. Feet and shoes are very important! Too much comfort can look like you don't care, and I know you do. Too much color and you look like a crazy cat lady without any cats..(something my daughter recently said to me, that cause a bit of hysterical laughing) but right in between, and it is an "Aaaah" moment.
Not too deep today, but that is what I have...by the way, don't step on My Blue Suede Shoes!

Brown Suede Shoes

They are not as "rare," but they are more stable. Today, during my vintage hunt, I wasn't looking for shoes. I was looking for mid-century modern antiques-you know, the kind everyone had when I was a kid, that we all thought was ugly? They are now antiques. Does that mean I am antique? Just wondering.
Anyways, I was meandering about, and my eyes caught a pair of brown suede shoes, low tops. This is what I was searching for when I found the blue ones.  I was looking them over and realized they were the same exact style and brand as the blue ones!  What is it, "Unload the short boot week?" Did I miss something here? Am I really THAT antique? The last Fall fashion update I tapped into in the Fall said short boots are "in". Wow. Good for me. I found my costume piece, and I can also be in style! However, I couldn't stop wondering about the "odds" of ME finding those particular boots, in my particular size. I had to go in at just the right moment, walk around just the right corner, look at them in just the right way; odds are pretty high against this when you are ADD!
So, who cares? I do. Yes, I know, my loony side is manifesting yet again. I can hear you thinking, and wishing you could ask: "What do you think, that it was another 'kiss from God'?"  Yes! How did you know? I stood there dumbstruck, pondering the significance of Brown Suede Shoes. (You know- everything is tied together somehow, our Great Awesome God did it that way for a reason, so why not ask the question?) I get it that this is not "normal".  I am choosing to be okay with that, which is why I now have Blue Suede Shoes.  So NOW, I've added a pair of brown suede shoes to my collection, which I may share in a photo format.
 If Blue Suede Shoes are representative of my "coming out" at 48, then what do the brown ones mean? I am pondering this, and everything about brown exudes practicality, purpose, versatility, safety and security. The Blue Suede Shoes were like new; the brown ones are very worn (just what I needed for the costume, BTW!), which further testifies to the "practicality" theory, and the safety aspect. Really, when you wear Blue Suede Shoes, you get ribbed over it..you've gotta love ribbing when you step out in anything unique or "out-of-the-box" in apparel or accessories of any kind. Believe me I know. It takes more guts to mix them with $250 jeans, and a Target T-shirt, but if you know how to "style" yourself, it works! My oldest daughter recently attended a red carpet event in Beverly Hills, in a .50-cent estate sale "nighty." Stepping out of a Rolls Royce, she was mobbed by the paparazzi, was asked hundreds of times who designed her dress, and she had the last laugh. A testament to styling...Good style comes from within! Not a price tag! (Okay, I confess that quality construction and fabric is also important, but that too is practical, and Target has some of it.)
So getting back to the "meaning" of my finding two pairs of shoes in the same color, in which Blue Suede was likened to a "Kiss from God". I feel like while I am allowing the world to finally see the real me, it is still a practical workable choice. It is really okay to be myself, and is actually more practical, liberating and truthful. If we use all our energy worrying about what others think,  it robs us of time, energy and resources for other more meaningful ventures. Just managing what you think others will think is a time-consuming and monumental task, not to mention the actual material accumulation of stuff needed to uphold the image!  We all have important personal contributions to make to this world, why waste time, money and energy trying so hard to please an ever-changing demand from others? And~if I want to be in different shoes for a day, I can always dress up like Johnny Depp, and make people wonder.
Step out and have a wonderful, liberating day of greatness, and if you dare, buy yourself some Blue Suede Shoes!! (Thanks Elvis, for your awesome interpretation of Carl Perkin's song!)

Good Word to Live By...

 ^19-21What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law man" so that I could be God's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.
   Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.
Ephesians 2:19-21, The Message Bible. 

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog! I am excited about this new venture that was inspired by a recent purchase of my Blue Suede Shoes! These Blue Suede Shoes are truly symbolic to me, since I have wanted a pair since childhood, when I heard Elvis sing, "Blue Suede Shoes." I didn't want just any Blue Suede Shoes, but they had to be delightfully outdated, previously worn, and a perfect fit. This is no easy task believe me. I have spent years in various states and two foreign countries looking. Finding these shoes is symbolic for me, like a kiss from God; there they were enticing me to try them on. The moment I had slipped my feet into them, I was "...All Shook Up!" It had been over 31 years since the desire hit me to acquire my first pair of Blue Suede Shoes, and there they were! It is not just about the shoe, but it is the symbolism they embody. They symbolize my life-long quest to learn to just "be" and not fight it. They are about self-acceptance, and learning to love who you are regardless of the infringements of society. They are about establishing me in a shameless, self-loving way. You don't know me if you never knew I wanted Blue Suede Shoes! So, do anything, but don't step on my Blue Suede Shoes!
Ever heard these Cliche's?
"If the shoe fits, wear it."
"You've got some big shoes to fill..."
"The shoe is on the other foot."
"Don't judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes."
"If I were in your shoes."
"Goody two-shoes."
"I felt bad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet."
 "Walk a mile in my shoes."
 "It will be hard to try and fill his shoes."
If you really consider these phrases, you see that each of them refers to the deeper meaning of a person. They encompass fitting in where you belong, whether or not you follow in another's footsteps, or forge your own. They cover having compassion and empathy on what someone else is going through, and being able to validate THEIR feelings as human, no matter how they got there. Some refer to being thankful for the blessings you have. One cries out for mercy from others' criticism, and beseeching them for understanding by saying "walk a mile in my shoes." There is even one that embodies unsolicited advice! There is also the jealousy-based jeer at someone else's virtue, or maybe it is an indictment against a pious and judgmental person. Point being, shoes have significant symbolism in most cultures, as do feet. But we won't go there today.  I will talk about the feet that we put into our shoes another day.
Be sure to click on the "the song that started it all" and look at the lyrics of "Blue Suede Shoes".